Mr. Right or Mr. Right now...?

Welcome back ladies!

Hopefully as January is coming to a close, we’re all on track with our 2018 goals, if not then don’t worry, just regroup and march on. So, with the “Month of Love” coming up, we’re going to be having a series of themed post to go along with it.

Today it’s all about #TheOne. Does that type of person exist? Are they as perfect as we have made them out to be in our heads, and in our quest for companionship, and most importantly, do we need them to feel complete???? (Girllll, let’s not even think too much about that one, the answer outright to the last one is NO!)

We asked 3 ladies a couple of questions to gain some insight on other female’s perspective with relationships, the one and how to move on.

These anonymous ladies shared their story with us and here are some of their answers.

DW : How old are you? (Select the right age range) a. 16-20, b. 21-25, c. 26-30, d. 30+.

L: 26-30.

M: 21- 25

N: 21-25

DW:  Are you in a relationship currently? If Yes how did you know he is the right one for you?

L: Yes, No one can ever know if he is the right one just by meeting someone. You have to first know yourself and then get to know your potential partner, relationships are never guaranteed to turn out perfectly. He is investing his time in understanding my very complex personality which I know is not easy for anyone to grasp in a short time.

M: No

N: Yes.  don’t know for a fact. We have been together for many rough years and we managed to never stop loving each other even thousands of miles apart we have an understanding, chemistry and comfort that we can agree we have only experienced with each other.

DW: How long did your longest relationship last?

L: 2 years

M: 3 years

N: Currently on my longest relationship of 5 years.

DW: What is your definition of the right man?

L: The right man is the one that invests his time in getting to know you and understanding you as you do the same. Being on the same page mentally, emotionally and spiritually is important.

M: One that I have least conflict with, and feel comfortable and safe around to be able to be the me I am when I am alone.

N: A family oriented person that strives for happiness and stability. A man that loves me consistently but diversely through all the inevitable life changes. God Fearing. Hardworking. Having a giving and forgiving heart

DW: What do you know now that you wish you knew then? (During the break-up)

L: I DESERVED BETTER!

N: I spent a lot of time facing my pain alone, I allowed myself to suffer over things that I had no control over (though Im not sure I could have stopped myself from this) I constantly thought to seek professional help, because I didn’t want to burden the people around me with my constant internal battles, but I never did, I spoke only when things hit the ceiling and that changed me and hurt the people I loved the most.

M: It gets less difficult.

I cannot thank these ladies enough for speaking their truth. When it comes to finding “the one” it seems like we have been conditioned to expect a fairytale whirlwind romance, a “Prince Charming” if you will, but with age and maturity comes the understanding that, that’s not the case.

So how do you go through the tumultuous process of finding the one? First off, we CHANGE THE TITLE!!! Calling our potential significant other “the one” already creates unrealistic expectations and puts our S/O on a pedestal of our own making.

Now let’s not confuse Expectations with Standards. A lot of people often interchange these two concepts. Expectations entertain ideas of how WE would LIKE things to turn out, while Standards are a set of rules that guide how you will behave.

With nearly 8 billion people on the planet, how do you know who is the right person for you??? The simple answer is …You don’t!  To all my fellow control freaks out there, i FELT your collective gasps, but  relax if there’s one thing you can be sure of while it’s not an exact science, is that the best thing you can do is TRUST YOUR GUT.

But just in case you need some actual tips to guide your decision making process here are 4 things to look out for.

Do your fundamental beliefs align?

While you may have heard “it’s the little things that count” don’t discount the big stuff!! Are you on the same page when it comes to things like religion, how to raise children, (Do you want kids??!), finances, and other things that you can specify to fit your life. Because these are the things that shape you as a person and if your significant other S/O isn’t on the same page as you then it can lead to lots of conflicts.

A lot of couples who have stayed together for a long time say that the burning flame of love might fade, but understanding one another is the real recipe for a long lasting relationship.

Can you see yourself spending FOREVER with that person?

Remember the gut feeling i was talking about? APPLY it here! like the ladies answered earlier, you can never know who is the right one, upfront. BUT… you can have a pretty good idea if he is the right one for you.

Sometimes that inner voice in your head is actually there for your own good, listen to it. A certain amount of doubt in any relationship is good, but it becomes bad when you don’t try or aren’t able to resolve it.

Sometimes your own subconscious can be giving you clues so you need to learn to pick up on the hints. What may seem like silly recurring fights might be a hint that there are deeper issues that need to be addressed.

Let's talk about SEX...

We often shy away from the physical aspect of relationships without realising that that’s another MAJOR part of any healthy relationship. I’m sure i don’t have tell you how sex is important in the longevity of a relationship ladies 😀 !!

Therefore, things like chemistry and sexual compatibility is something else to consider, does your S/O make your heart start racing and ignites that warm feeling at the pit of your stomach? (And i don’t mean in the cute way that they portray in the movies 😉 )

Are you completely comfortable together in bed, can you be open in what you want and need?

Even without engaging in actual sex, some people may decide not engage in sex before marriage and that’s completely fine. But do you find your S/O attractive, do they get your gears going??

Is your S/O a better addition to your life?

You always want to be with someone who makes you better in every way, but also who is accepting of your flaws. Basically the Yin to your Yang. 🙂

Toxic and conflict filled relationships have been glamorized but there’s nothing wrong with actually having a stable and FUNCTIONAL relationship ladies. At some point in life you need to come to the realisation that love doesn’t need to be accompanied by heartache. It can be easy!

Let’s not kid ourselves though, there is no handbook when it comes to love, life and relationships, but as they say you live and you learn. The most important thing to know before you go looking for love, is to have a complete sense of self, self awareness, self love, all the self’s 😀

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.”

~Sonya Friedman

Once you know and appreciate yourself you set the standards that you expect to be treated with. You have enough self confidence and self worth to tell anyone who doesn’t treat you with the love and respect that you deserve, to..(Cue Beyonce’s irreplaceable)  🙂 

As always we would love to hear your input in the comment section, do you agree? disagree? or what has your journey been like? till next time #girlboss

Selam Ahmed

Author: Selam Ahmed

Selam Ahmed is many things: fun, loving, fierce supporter of women, bookworm and an eternal Philomath. She always takes things as they come and is ever excited to see what life has to offer next. She is a foodie that loves to cook, in the best of times and the worst of times, from a very young age cooking has always been a way for her to stay sane. As an upcoming blogger (can you guess what type of blog it will be? hint: FOOD!)and as one of the contributors to the Safe Space blog, she is thrilled to welcome you all to a community that is based on uplifting women. We’ve got your back. Always.